Is your coach a brute or a sycophant?
There's a third, much better option - and it's NOT neutrality.
I’ve been noodling on an interesting phenomenon in the coaching world, with the rise of AI coaching.
At one extreme of the coaching experience sits the dude-bro rah-rah kind of coaching, the kind that promises plenty of hustle, kicking things to the kerb, and replacing your imperfect human self with <drum roll> Your Best Self. Cue confetti cannons and celebrations for the wins, shame and condemnation for the missteps. It can be brutal, and I’ve helped plenty of people recover from the trauma of it.
At the other extreme sits the kind of coaching that shows up like a devoted Labrador, the kind that looks at you adoringly and relentlessly praises every single thought and idea you bring to the table, in the language you most love to hear. Cue a deepening sense of wariness as you move forward, because there’s apparently no such thing as a ‘wrong direction’ - and when you slam into a wall because nobody asked if this was ACTUALLY a good idea, you end up with a bloody nose. (This is where AI coaching often lands.)
A binary like this is a potent signpost to something far more rich and useful, living in the 'third dimension' between the two.
That third dimension is not merely a blending; it's something radically different. It’s where the creative tension produces the most glorious and wonderful things.
The space between black and white is not filled greyscale (which is merely a lessening of black).
Rather, it’s the space where all the colours live.
Similarly, the space between brutality and sycophancy is not filled with bland neutrality.
It’s the space where love and kindness meet determined encouragement, a space for fierce compassion and soothing accountability.
It can weave a beautiful tapestry — one which can be a blanket to keep one warm, or a trampoline from which to bounce ever higher.
It’s ripe for embracing our messy humanity AND courageously stepping out into our courage - a time for doing the things that the brain weasels of our nervous systems think might be potentially lethal.
It can be a tricky thing to pull off, but it starts with accepting that we need both gentleness AND fortitude, not one or the other.
This is not something even the most creative AI coach can pull off — because being able to sense what's required in the moment takes the kind of human empathy that only human brains can do.
And it’s a great benchmark to use, next time you’re looking to hire a coach. Do they get this?
Do they talk about kindness, but turn out to be brutal?
Do they promise accountability, but avoid pushing when you crave it?
Look for your coach* in the third dimension, my friend.
*may also apply to your next astrologer, Human Design consultant, massage therapist, stylist … you get the picture.