Giving SHOULDs the boot

(because 'should' is not compatible with growth and healing)

It's such a small word, but it packs a huge punch, tangling us up in big, painful knots of stress and self-judgement on a regular basis.

We find it all over the place.

• I should write a new Substack post

• I should be nicer to my hubby

• I should give up chocolate

• I should be a better person

Not one of these sentences feels inspiring or juicy, and when you unwittingly carry sentences like that in your own head, they act like toxic little bullets from the perfectionism gun, pinging around inside your skull causing pain and distraction.

Shoulds can sometimes work to get actions taken and tasks done, but in the long-term the should habits lead to more gloom than delight, more stress than peace.

‘Should’ is unsustainable as a method for Getting Shit Done, yet we all do it, all the time.

But here’s what’s GREAT about ‘should’.

It has a far friendlier cousin which opens all kinds of possibilities and gives us back our power.

It's the word COULD.

• I could write a new Substack post easily, if I go to the good coffee shop and dictate a draft into my phone

• I could be nicer to my hubby AND be nicer to myself - and then it will make us both feel good, and I will enjoy that

• I could give up chocolate, but I choose not to

• I could simply drop the self-judgement and accept I am already a worthwhile, loveable human being

See how much lighter that feels?

See how easily you can reclaim your power to choose - and how many doors are instantly opened up?

"I COULD" means:

• I could ditch this thing altogether, let it go, release it into the wild (we often carry far more shoulds than are actually necessary)

• I could do this thing imperfectly, knowing that my ‘imperfect’ is still amazing and that people love me regardless of my ‘flaws’

• I could delegate this thing (I could pay, barter or simply ask a favour)

• I could ‘dance’ with this thing, by transforming my relationship with it (that might mean changing how I do it, or genuinely changing how I feel about it)

• I could do it even though I don’t want to, because I know how awesome it will feel to have it done (use this one with caution as a last resort)

‘Could’ means it's always your choice.

Obligation, begone. Pressure, farewell. Freedom, welcome!

And the weird part?

Our brains live in a world saturated with ‘should’, so the work of giving ‘should’ the boot is ongoing.

We will always have incoming messages from the systems around us, telling us about aaaaaallll the things we ‘should’ be doing.

Here’s what I do, to keep my brain from falling too deeply into ‘should’.

When I notice “I should….” in my head, I pause and replace it with “I could…” (the same goes for “I ought to…” or “I need to…”, which are just shoulds in disguise)

And because I don’t automatically notice the shoulds in my head, I set a random reminder on my phone with a note to notice. When it goes off, I pause and check in to see what’s at play.

• Any shoulds? I know what to do.

• No shoulds at the moment? Celebrate big time!

Wanna join me?

What’s the first, biggest, most obvious ‘should’ you’re ready to turn into a could?

Pop it in the comments for us to celebrate together - and if you’re struggling to come up with a ‘could’ to replace your ‘should’, ping me and I’ll give you a hand!

I’ll go first…